Just so we’re all clear, I would definitely take the expensive car and small dick option.

There are 2 kinds of people. Those who like oatmeal cookies, peanut butter, mint ice cream and Big Bang Theory… And those of us who really really don’t.

I see good looking dude on tv and shit and think - that hair cut makes them look like a such a boss. And then I realise no it’s just that I don’t have a face that’s any good. 

Examples of assholes on facebook include commenters such as 

“omg thats insanely cool!!” (in response to someone getting a job as a labourer). 

“Happy spring break kate!”

“I’m so jealous! Well not really that jealous because I’ve been to Thailand twice, but still! Have fun bby girl xoxo”

there are more average american college girls wearing nike shorts right now then there are hungry children in africa

make noises while you eat and I’ll make noises while I scalp you 

“Happy Birthday!” is pretty standard and dull tbh.

I prefer “happy uterus ejection anniversary”. 

I’m going to create a Dumb People of Facebook  tumblr and I’ll take submissions cos y’alll know you gon’ have some

I’m 1800% done with Facebook 
It’s just a place for all the dumb people to show how dumb they truly are to the rest of the population. 

Facebook is like a really bad X-Factor audition when the judging panel scrolls the dash watching train-wrecks pile on top of each other. 

My Twitter feed is 99% Azealia Banks rackin on about her weave.

From this point forward I will not reply to people who text me or link me to memes, in the hopes to portray my distaste for tacky memes.

It’s time for society to move forward, memes are the stragglers at the back to be left behind.

I know it will make for some awkward times, but it’ll be worth it in the end. 
This is an uphill battle I’m willing to participate in. 

imagine if you lived in canberra

s

It’ll be a great time in the future when the oceans have risen and all the trees are gone and we’re all bustin Kanye rap lyrics at BBQs in our nursing homes. 

When white moms run into each other in public and then the first piece of conversation is them laughing at how one of them chased the other one like an injured penguin and started off with “hahaha I ha I just saw you and heahaha lol”

In my free time I search for jobs online in cities that I don’t live in.